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Monday, 29 September 2014

Bad-ass Italian guy

He was old. He was unenthusiastic. He was buying toothpaste. Isn't that just the definition of bad-ass? Nothing says you kick butt like saying "I need to clean my mouth"
Let me introduce this hell-of-a-guy to you. I was at Costco, and me and my mother were in line with our cart filled with "Healthy snacks" and stuff. We all know the line in Costco is longer than the great freaking wall of China, because who doesn't love to buy ten boxes of raisin bran, just cuz?
So this guy suddenly just looked blankly at the cash register and said:
"I needa go gets me some moar moneys.."
And walked deeper into Costco, leaving his three items just sitting there. He didn't care that we had a cart full of toiletries about to explode, nah he just walks deeper into Costco (Because by the way, since when has walking deeper into the store where you buy stuff, the place you'll find the money to pay for your darn Sensodyne!
This guy is the new Chuck Norris. Just you watch out.
Kudos to you sir, we just spent five more minutes in line.
Bye.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Lizards and Coins

So, if many of you know me, I used to live in Thailand. I was a little child back then (Mentally I still am, but shh, nobody needs to know..just kidding, my insanity is on the inter-webs for everyone to see, so yes.)

Today I am going to talk about a really sensitive subject between me and my family, it's gonna be hard.
Still here? Just kidding it's not sensitive at all. Just some good 'Ol false adverstising. Okay, shut up Monique.

When I was in Thailand, I lived in a house with a crap-ton of wildlife. Feel like getting a cup of coffee? BAM. Frickin' snake in your living room. And we had a lady who came to tend the gardens, dunno why, I mean, there could be a rare radioactive Pokemon in the bushes waiting to kill you. We had a calm little pond with a bunch of nice 'ol fishies. Until one day we saw fishies dissapear. For some reason they were all migrating, and they didn't even pay the darn rent..
So every day we saw less fishies swimming, until one day, the culprit laid it's scaly, ugly self upon our eyes.
(Now you're probably thinking - Monique, that's not a very nice thing to say about a person.) Plot twist. It was a big freaking Monitor lizard just sitting in our yard! A Big. Freaking. Monitor. Lizard.

"Y'know, just chilling, don't mind me, but I rate your snack bar five stars!"
Now wait, it gets better. The lady who tended the yards came rushing in yelling:
"Wait! Wait! Take this coin! Take the coin and scratch it on the lizard's back! It'll then show you the winning numbers for the lottery!"
Okay, who in the right mind, I mean, who in the right mind, is going to scratch that?!


That scaly mother-trucker!
So yeah, a small note to you. No, my mother is not going to scratch a coin on a potentially murderous dinosaur lizard. So please, refrain from becoming a millionaire.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

An Open letter to teenagers

This doesn't just go out towards girls. And I mean that, because who are we to perpetuate double standards, right? I find this particular topic needs to be addressed, so bare with me. Recently, a YouTuber released a video of him pinching girl's butts, and he meant it as a "Prank". I find it hard to find words for this, because girls themselves now find this to be "Okay". That people treating you in a low and degrading way is just nonsensical feminism and bickering.
First of all, let me say that if a girl was to go out and touch a guy's butt, I would have the same reaction.
People have gone as low as to defend something against them, trying to prove..what?!
Trying to prove that you don't want to be associated with people who treat you with respect, that if someone was to touch your body without your consent, and then apologize, it would be alright? Not sure what you're fighting for, then. Really teenagers, wise up. (Or anyone)
You're worth more.
Just give yourself that worth.
Because it's up to you what your value is, and what you let others do with your body.


Friday, 12 September 2014

You're flying low, you idiot.

Let me just start off with saying I ain't a pilot.
I didn't know the lingo. 
I was innocent, frail.
Yes, today we shall talk about the first time someone told me my fly was open.
For those not familiar with this term, it is when you don't zip up the zipper on your jeans. Fun stuff, I know.
It was back in grade five, and me being the idiot I was (Oops sorry did I use past-tense?) IS, I said
"What? I'm not flying?!"
And of course they were repeating the term as if i'd know it, and all I'd do was repeat the fact I was not in a plane. Not to mention me squatting to make myself shorter..
WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING?! I AM NOT A FREAKING PILOT!
In the end they proceeded to point at the gate to one's lady gardens, something one would rather not hear about. So I zipped up my jeans, and felt like I was an airplane the entire day.
The worst part of it is, I didn't even get to fly...
...So next time someone says you are rather close to the runway, remember, you're not flying.
You just gotta close the door.
This message was sponsored by the International Association Of You-didn't-get-the-lingo Victims.

(P.S For you lovable gullible people, it's not real, don't look it up.)


Thursday, 11 September 2014

PARKOUR, YO

1,000 BLOG VIEWS!
To think this many people read my insane thoughts, and actually relate to it is, well, INSANE!
Y'know what's more insane? My comma use. I like to use commas for dramatic pauses, like this one.

Now, while I may have all these people reading, i'll never really be as famous as my celebrity friend, Anna.
Because y'know, you're never famous until you're considered famous by someone who has done nothing to be famous. Yes ladies and gentleladies, I am talking about the Kim Kardashian game. She has 9.5 fans, and no I cannot give you her autograph, form a line.

I learned parkour today. And while many of you may be a master of parkour, none of you will ever be as good as me. Sorry to crush your dreams, but someone needed to tell you the truth. I single-handedly did some nice parkour over my dog and threw my laptop l this morning, and it only resulted in minor injuries. Okay, I'm lying. I did it onto my dog, but the details don't matter, kay?
 Now in case you didn't get that last one, I didn't intentionally do this. It was thanks to the one and only sidekick to my clumsy-ness,


He's my boyfriend of course, and I still remember the pick-up-line I used on Netflix.
"Are you Netflix? Cuz I want to watch you all day long."
Anyways, come to me for any fangirl parkour lessons, but be prepared to feel the feels, and if you aren't up for the pain, go find a shady guy with a hoodie on a building or somethin'. I'm sure he'll set you up.
So thank you viewers, and if you have any comments, leave 'em below!