Carnivorous Hamsters.

Okay, warning. If you are a little wee child, you need to get off my blog. Seriously, these stories are not Oh-hey-kids-crowd-around-me-in-a-library-while-I-read-to-you kind of stories. They are more like I-totally-just-ruined-everyone's-childhood kind of stories. So there you have it.

What better way to ruin somebody's childhood than telling a story that sort of ruined my respect for hamsters, eh?

Twas the night before Christmas, and I was awake. Yeah I ruined the parody, but it's okay. My life is a parody. Of what, I haven't figured out yet. I was about ten or something and I was excited to get gifts. My mother was nowhere to be found, and I wondered why. So, I walked into my mother's room. I heard a faint rumble coming from the closet, so without thinking (I was ten and stupid) I opened the door. 

(WARNING LIFE SPOILER ALERT. SOUNDS LIKE I AM A PSYCHIC, I'M NOT)

I walked in and almost immediately I saw my mom putting together what looked like a hamster cage. It was awesome. It had different levels, and colours of plastic. (I repeat, I was ten. Plastic was appealing to me back then. I have an action figure in front of me. Okay, it still is) 

She shrieked and went all mother on me, so I left, and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up bright early to take a look at my gifts. Under the tree, was the coloured plastic cage, only this time it had tiny little baby hamsters climbing all over the place. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen besides my mirror. (Joking, joking) I loved the baby hamsters, they ran around and were awesome. They were doing their job at being hamsters pretty well, until the very next day.

My hamsters were nowhere to be seen.  I walked to the back of the house wondering where they were, and right by the furnace room, the cleaning lady blocked my entrance.

"You can't come here."  She said.

"Whadda ya mean? I always cmere." I replied like a sassy ten-year old.

I sort of moved out of her way and in a tiny cardboard box, lay the baby hamsters. Only, their heads and different parts of their not so innocent selves lay in their mouths. They ate each other. I was horrified, and since that day, I have been scarred for life, because not only did I find out my mother was Santa, but that baby hamsters were cannibals. Anyways lesson of the story:

Hamsters are evil. Except Shrek, my first hamster. You're not evil. You're cool. 

P.S sorry for the awful story. You can't say I didn't warn you..

SHOUTOUTS #2

Hullo citizens of the inter-webz! Let's get straight to the point. Today is my second round of shotuouts to awesome people doing awesome things. (Being my friend, pffft, obviously)

So, I like to give out the weirdest memes or things or watchamicallits, so here it goes.

 Maria 

I cannot explain how wonderful you are. We are sisters remember? YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT BACK NOW. 

Waaaaaaaay..too many. IT'S WIIIIIIIIINDDDDDYYYYY!!!

Daniel

First of all, thanks for being my friend! Now, you are in my shoutouts Daniel. You have entered my blog, and there is no turning back now. Yes, I can see you right behind that tiny puny phone screen gettting freaked out at this total psycho mind game. Yeah. Totally.

Not my fault that GLaDos is a liar.

Mikaela

Attack on Titan bud! You're one of nicest people I have met! Keep being awesome. (And my friend)

EXTREMIST NERDISM!

A little heichou for you today.

Simone

You're an awesome friend, and what better way to bond than debating, eh? Am I right? Oh right, you never think I am right.

SALAD DUDE!!

P.S If you were not mentioned you'll probably be in the next list! Bye! 

P.P.S Also, these aren't ranked by who my "Best friends" are, all my friends are equally important.

12 Really Awkward Family Photos

We've all had them. The only thing is, you can rank them like this:
1. Accidental awkward photo
2. Awkward photo
3.Weird Photo
4. Okay, what the heck?
5. You are definitely not normal.
6. I called a taxi to the asylum.
#1

"My head is more important than the rest of your bodies"
#2

"She's all I think about."
#3

So, let me get this straight. Vain husband, Murderous son, and the daughter doesn't even care that her mom is being choked silently by her brother. Ideal family.
#4
"Hello? Hello? Sorry, we're too busy taking an awkward photo to talk to you right now!"
#5

The mom's thinking:
"Where did I go wrong?"
#6

Seems like they're huge fans of Anne Of Green Gables.
#7

"Five second rule!"
#8

"Hey do you know where the camera is?"
"No idea!"
#9

Looks like the lobsters are cooking some humans for dinner tonight.
#10

"Jumpsuit no for babi"
#11

The hair that the father doesn't have, went to his family.
#12

So majestic.

Have a great day guys! Bye!

SHOUTOUTS #1 (Next list next week)

First, I'd like to thank the academy, for nominating me. And I would like to--

Just kidding...yeah..*Cricket in the background*...So, heh, nice weather we're having, huh?
Anyways.......
I am doing shoutouts today! And I mean, I shout at people all the time, so this shouldn't be too hard.
#1 First thing first
I would like to thank that lady today, who saw my friend trip and fall, and ran away. Yeah you. I saw you. I have a tape of it, lady. You're a jerk, lady. So, yeah, I want to give you a shoutout on my blog. Actually, I want to shout at you, but, it's cool. I can do that too.
#2
Shoutout to my mummy, who despite having given birth to a really odd kid, actually enjoys reading this. Hi mom!
#3 Erica, Maggie, Sofia, Valeria, Drew and Zara.
#1 Erica, you were my first reader, and you actually enjoyed it..pfft whaaaa? So, I would like to give you my sincerest gratitude, and, a virtual gold star!!!
Look it's shiny!!!


#2 Maggie, you were my second reader! It's aight, I got somethin' else for ya!

Meet Jonathan. Jonathan is a huck. He is a cross beetween a duck and horse. Jonathan says he likes you. Say hi Jonathan! Sorry, he's in a bad mood.
#3 Sofia, I am ever so grateful that you find my blog more entertaining than it actually is. I have a present for you too. Sorry, Jonathan is taken. But we still have.........

It's the ba-bush-kas! Okay, that was a bad pun. My dream is to one day be a part of their magnificent group, I just admire, their brooms and stuff.
#4 Valeria, you also seem quite amused with this blog, so I give you this:

"Spongebob bloopers: The lost episode"
#5 Dreeeeew. You are just such a wonderful person. Just y'know, awesome. And, you are also one of my first readers, so I gotta give you,

"The Day The Yolk Stood Still" A horror story.
#6 Last but not least, Zara! For your equal book-nerdiness, here ya go!

(I'd like to apologize for doing this...like...A....Lot....)
This concludes today's shoutouts! Next week I will be doing the rest of my list, sorry...I had to split it into parts!
Bye now!

The art of recreating farts

Ah, the art of farting. The art of air escaping two flaps of skin on your glutious maximus. (Apparently, my computer doesn't know the latin term of butt. Or, the word latin. Seriously it actually highlighted latin in that red squiggly. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME)
Anyways, do you have a moment to talk about our rears? I am here to talk to you about the art of recreating farts.
Do you ever have those moments when you're in class, and you're doing a test or some kind of individual work, and then suddenly, you move your foot or book, and
"PRRRRRRFFT"
A huge fart-like- sound fills the ENTIRE classroom. Suddenly, everyone turns and looks at you. This here is the art. The art of blaming inanimate objects for your mistaken-ed flatulence. Now, not everyone can master this art, and when you attempt to, you sometimes make it even worse. This happened to me the other day while we were working in math class. I turned over the page of my work, and the page scratched over my desk making the sound butt cheeks make. I then proceeded to recreate the sound, scratching the infernal page OVER and OVER again..
Alas, I leave you with the end of this story. I went to my next subject, and what happens? I turn to sit down in French class, accidentally rubbing the coil of my book on the desk, making a:
"PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFT"  sound.  I then started to rub the coil on the desk over and over and over again, and I was successful recreating the sound.
The only problem? People thought I was farting over and over.
So my friends, if you plan to take part in the art of recreating farts, please do so at your own risk!!

Conversation between me and a lady at a bookstore.

Me: *Picks up book and heads to counter
Lady working at bookstore: Oh, hi!
Me: Uh, hi there.
Lady working at bookstore: *Laughs out loud* HAHAHAHA I read this book, HAHAHHA I was laughing so much!
Me, Unenthusiastic-ally: Oh, hehe..
Lady working at bookstore: Well, you see, I started to read this book while eating my lunch in the bathroom!
Me: Here, you can keep the change. Have a nice day.
Do you even know how much is wrong with this? Well, in case you didn't, I highlighted it in red. She read the book, while eating in the bathroom..
WHILE
EATING 
IN THE BATHROOM
THIS IS WHY I SUCK AT BEING HUMAN.

Being a nerd is hard work

You probably think being a nerd is the easiest thing in the world. I am here, to inform you that, no wearing fake glasses and putting tape between them does not make you a nerd. In fact, it's pretty hard. Here is a list to show you "First Nerd problems"
(Heh, get it? First Nerd problems, as in First world problems? Yeah, no.)

Duh! Only, I shouldn't talk. In my case, I have six affairs a week. I just can't help it, there's so many fictional characters to fall in love with. Yeah, I need a counsellor.
" Admitting you have a problem is the first step to the solution, it gets easier after that" She'll tell me. (Or he, but usually counsellors are women, I'll say) Then I'll sob into a napkin and mutter something like:
"I just can't stop it, I need your help. I need you..to take all my books from me." Dramatically pausing.

Okay, I feel like John Green is hiding behind that wall snickering to his ingenious self.
"Haha! I will make everyone love Augustus Waters and then I shall--"
[SPOILER ALERT]
"--Kill him!"
Okay? Okay.

For the writer nerds, or just nerds in general, the stunning realization that you are mentally psychotic for the rest of your life.

HOW? WHY HOW WHAT WHY THIS IS JUST NOT WORKING.  HOW DO YOU READ? I NEED HELP ON HOW TO READ WITHOUT MY SPINE TRYING TO MURDER MY BRAIN AS I SLEEP.


Heh. Pretty self-explanatory, frankly.
Anyways, if you want to apply for a job in being a nerd, please contact a book, a video game or advanced science, history or physics. Thank you for your time. (Oh, and don't call us, we'll call you)
Just kidding, bye now. DFTBA and LLAP